Lower Atlantis Gun Club

NFL WEEK 17 PISQUES

INDIANAPOLIS AT BUFFALO (NO LINE)
Ryan Fitzpatrick is ready to go, and that drastically improves the quality of this game. That right there should tell you just about everything you need to know about this sorry matchup. Let it be said that Matt Painter is no Jim Sorgi, which means that the Colts B Team will lean heavily on rookie running back, Donald Brown. The opportunity to see Brown unbridled by the Addai timeshare may be the only reason to watch this truly meaningless game. I say the Bills win by virtue of fielding a football team. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Bills	SKINNER: Bills	JON BURR: Bills

NEW ORLEANS AT CAROLINA (NO LINE)
I hate to always be the one who falls prey to the lulling hypnotic power of MOMENTUM, but I do believe it exists. In a world full of emotional people whose individual failings give birth to inconsistency, absence of confidence, and even pathetic sadness, it is fair to believe that this phenomenon is also prevalent in the world of professional football. Considering that (among other less interesting/more logical reasons), I believe that the Panthers will win this game. And it’s not just because the Saints may rest their stars (which they should not do!). The Panthers have a strong secondary, their running game is one of the top 3 or 4 in the league no matter who gets the carries, and their quarterback play has improved dramatically since Matt Moore has appeared. Throw in a 10% chance of a massive game by Julius Peppers, and you have yourself a more than a 50% chance of winning. Consider Drew Brees’ inability to get the Saints over the hump in recent games and their loss on Sunday to THE YOUNG SOLDIERS OF SKINNER, I think the Panthers have a virtual head start in this one. The Saints should try to win one so they don’t head to the playoffs on a 3-game skid. However, I don’t think they pull it off. Panthers by 7. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Panthers	SKINNER: Panthers	JON BURR: Panthers

JACKSONVILLE AT CLEVELAND (-1.5)
Hysterically, the Jags still have a chance to make the playoffs. Mind you, it involves four other teams blowing it, but master motivator Jack “Keep Choppin’ Wood” Del Rio can point to last year’s Eagles squad as a team that defied similar odds to make the playoffs. Unfortunately, this scenario is the only synonymous element between the Eagles and Jags. Even Derek Anderson could have a good day against this team, which sports the worst secondary I’ve seen all year, but I’m going to guess the Jags have enough on offense to outscore the suddenly feisty Browns. Jags win outright. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Jaguars	SKINNER: Browns	JON BURR: Jaguars win outright

PHILADELPHIA AT DALLAS (-3)
The Cowboys’ glaring weakness is their secondary, and the Eagles (who rank 26th in rushing attempts) have no shortage of weapons in their receiving arsenal. I expect this to work out in a completely logical way and with some frequency. In a season of bad teams in which even the good teams are kind of bad, it’s nice to see a week 17 matchup like this one. Aside from being bitter rivals, both are hitting their stride and both have a decent amount to play for. In my eyes, though, the Eagles are still a notch above their NFC East brethren. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER: Cowboys	JON BURR: Eagles win outright

CHICAGO AT DETROIT (+3)
(PARENTHESES ALERT!!) While it may sadden Jon Burr (and possibly Austin Gray… though I doubt it), my heart was warmed on Monday night as I witnessed Jake Butler (demon horns, drooly lip, pouty scowl, and all) transform into the quarterback that the Bears thought they’d traded for in the offseason (Jay Cutler), delivering one hell of an overtime dagger into the “heart” of Brett Favre (and his subordinates, the Minnesota Vikings). Next week, with Favre out of the picture and replaced by one Drew Stanton (or whoever), I think the upward swing continues. Devin (what’s your favorite word for “smell”? I prefer “odor”, or “stench”, however) Aromashodu has assumed the role once played by the OTHER more oft-injured Devin (Hester), and Aromashodu appears to be doing it better in Hester’s absence. As bad as the Bears have been (real fucking bad), this still really should be no contest (maybe). Bears by 14 (field goals). – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Bears	SKINNER: Bears	JON BURR: Bears win and cover

NEW ENGLAND AT HOUSTON (-8)
So let me get this straight: If the Pats sit their starters, the Texans blow them out? This is a team that has beaten their opponent by 8 or more only thrice all season. And what, exactly, makes you think the Pats will rest their starters? Belichick’s lip service? The man is a jackal! Furthermore, unlike the Colts’ organization, New England seems to understand what a sense of continuity and rhythm does for an offense. We may see some defensive starters sit and some stars take a breather in the second half, but I don’t see a Colts-ian rollover in the Pats’ future. Pats win outright. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Patriots	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win outright

PITTSBURGH AT MIAMI (NO LINE)
In four out of the last five weeks, the Steelers defense has allowed over 300 total yards of offense. The fifth game was the Thursday night affair in which they lost to the Browns. To repeat, the defense sans Polamalu is less special than your white middle-class C student. A lot may hinge on Ricky Williams’ health status, but I’d even trust Henne to throw 50 times again. It’s a bit of a reach to think the Dolphins’ defense is capable of completely halting the Steelers’ passing attack, but Hines Ward is hobbled and ineffective. I think the Dolphins win a close one, and the defending champs go out with a whimper. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Dolphins	SKINNER: Steelers	JON BURR: Steelers

NEW YORK GIANTS AT VIKINGS (-9)
Early in the season, you could have pictured this game as an NFC Championship preview. And while one of these teams is still very much in the hunt, both teams are in similarly dark periods of freefall. The one difference here is that the Vikings are losing games relatively closely, and the Giants are either winning huge or losing huge. With nothing to play for other than spoiling the Vikings’ seeding hopes, I see the Giants and their seemingly divided locker room mailing it in. I like the line, Vikes by 9. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win, but take the points

CINCINNATI AT NEW YORK JETS (-10)
Despite their records, these are two pretty similar teams. The Jets’ record is more indicative of their level of success, while Cincy’s record belies a pretty shaky offense. There’s talk of Cincy resting their starters, which is never a good idea, but if that leads to the Jets making the playoffs and keeping the Steelers out, most of the AFC will be rooting hard for them to do so. Jets win, but take the points. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Jets	SKINNER: Jets	JON BURR: Jets win, but take the points

SAN FRANCISCO AT ST. LOUIS (+7.5)
When these teams met in week 4, the Niners defense stymied the Boller-led Rams and scored three touchdowns en route to a 35-0 drubbing. It stands to reason, then, that they won’t be intimidated by the one-two tickle of Keith Null and Kenneth Darby. I’m assuming Steven Jackson won’t play. Given the punishment he’s received the last few weeks (years?), I wouldn’t begrudge him if he was sidelined by a bad dream the night before. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Niners	SKINNER: Niners	JON BURR: Niners win and cover

ATLANTA AT TAMPA BAY (+3)
Dear Vegas, who the shit do you think you are? First, the Bucs travel to the west coast two weeks ago and make Seattle look like ground zero for the world’s most violent pillowfight, what with all the Seahawk feathers strewn far and wide about the field. Then they travel to into New Orleans and invoke Christmas miracles against the Lord’s own appointed Saints, stunning the NFC’s most impressive team with a dominant run game and a miracle punt return by the now 2-time Bucs folk hero Michael Spurlock. Considering the Bucs/Falcons earlier contest which was decided by a very last second TD pass by the John Edwards-faced Chris Redman, it only seems logical that the Bucs would be favored to win at home against a very inconsistent Atlanta team. I think Josh Freeman ends the season by shredding the Falcons secondary one more time, on the way to a career day, and a convincing win. Call it a homer hunch, but I say the Bucs win big. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Buccaneers	SKINNER: Buccaneers	JON BURR: Falcons win and cover

GREEN BAY AT ARIZONA (-3)
This game should be fairly interesting, as these two teams will most likely play again the very next week. I think the myriad strategies that could stem from such a scenario makes this a hard game to call. Plays or strategies could be withheld or used as smokescreens, players could be rested, the possibilities are endless. Ignoring such possibilities, the Cards are only as good as Kurt Warner, who has been shaky the past few weeks. If he doesn’t hit one of his hot streaks soon, expect an early trip home for the reigning NFC champs. Packers win outright. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Packers	JON BURR: Packers win outright

KANSAS CITY AT DENVER (-13.5)
The Broncos are motivated by the dim hopes of a playoff berth, while the Chiefs are motivated by the desire for their fifth straight rebuilding season to end. Jamaal Charles makes me hope that good things are on the horizon, but some guy on a horse once said to me, “Do not hope , it is forsaken in these lands.” “These Lands” being Kansas City. I don’t remember his name, though. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Broncos	SKINNER: Broncos	JON BURR: Broncos win, but take the points

BALTIMORE AT OAKLAND (+10.5)
The Raiders were a fun spoiler earlier in the season when ‘Polish Plumber’ Bruce Gradkowski was starting at QB. However, with the combo of starter Charlie Frye (and possible closer JaMarcus Russell), I am back to rooting against the Raiders. Also, I think the Ravens are destined to play the part of spoiler against a top-seeded AFC playoff team. Joe Flacco does ok, and Ray Rice goes bananas in a not-so-awesome football game. Ravens by a lot. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Ravens	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Ravens win and cover

WASHINGTON AT SAN DIEGO (-4)
Billy Volek, Legedu Naanee, Mike Tolbert, and Jacob Hester > any lineup the inept Skins’ roll out. Chargers win and cover. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Chargers	JON BURR: Chargers win and cover

TENNESSEE AT SEATTLE (+4.5)
I’ve been relentlessly picking the Titans each week, and while my forecast playoff miracle has not taken shape, that does not affect my pick in this game. The Seahawks have become dreadful, mostly due to Matt Hasselbeck’s mind/throwing arm being recently possessed by the newly exorcised demon spirit of JAKE BUTLER. On the other side, the rejuvenated Vince Young will take a back seat and hand off at least 40 times to Chris Johnson, as he goes for 290+ yards and the all time rushing record. Titans will break even at .500 and feel pretty good about next year. The Seahawks will break into tears, break out their suitcases, and get ready for the inevitable housecleaning. You, you gun metal on gun metal on gun metal-clad sissies, are irrelevant. Titans by 14. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Titans	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Titans win, but take the points

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WELKER IS GREAT, WHITE – NFL WEEK 17 PREVIEW

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NFL WEEK 16 PISCKS

SAN DIEGO AT TENNESSEE (-3)
I dare you to tell these plucky Titans that they can’t win this one. You just try to tell ‘em their playoff hopes are over. Go on. Do it. OK, I’ll do it. Titans, you’re going to lose, and the playoff dreams are likely over. I’m not proud of this, but the luck must end eventually. The Chargers are too strong, despite their propensity for letting inferior opponents back into games. Were the Titans to keep it close, it could give us sinners some hope, but the Chargers are all too capable of putting up 21 points in the blink of an eye. For all the Titans strengths, overcoming immense deficits is not one of them. Even on Christmas, I am a heartless robot. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Chargers win outright

BUFFALO AT ATLANTA (-9)
With Matt Ryan back at the helm in week 15, the Falcons were not significantly improved. However, any win against that stingy Jets defense is a win to be proud of, despite the Jets’ hapless offense. Michael Turner is again lost to the injury that will not heal, but the Falcons are capable at RB and should run wild this weekend regardless against the league’s worst rushing defense. Don’t go starting Matt Ryan in your fantasy league as this Bills’ secondary has snagged a Jake Butler-esque 25 interceptions and held QBs to the 3rd least passing yards this season. The Bills’ offense is nothing to fear, even against a dreadful Falcons’ secondary. I think the Bills keep it relatively tight, but the Falcons pull away in the 2nd half. Birds by 10. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Falcons	SKINNER:Falcons	JON BURR:Falcons win, but take the points

KANSAS CITY AT CINCINNATI (-14)
The Chiefs are punishingly, devastatingly, deplorably bad. Matt Cassel is not the answer. Chris Chambers is a career castoff. Dwayne Bowe, for all of his athleticism and anabolic steroid-ism, still needs a capable QB to get him the ball. The defense just gave up 41 points to the Cleveland Browns. Their lone bright spot, Jamaal Charles, is swimming in a sea of excrement. And, yet, I still don’t think the Bengals cover, which should give you an idea of what I think of their anemic offense. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Bengals	SKINNER: Bengals	JON BURR: Bengals win, but take the points

SEATTLE AT GREEN BAY (-14)
Even in a week that features St. Louis and Detroit both playing road games, I think this is the surest pick of the week. After a week in which even the Buccaneers’ pass rush proved indomitable, Hasselbeck may be lucky to leave this game under his own power. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Packers	JON BURR: Packers win and cover

OAKLAND AT CLEVELAND (-3)
This game features two bad teams who have pulled off some magical moments this season, despite their cellar-dwellar statuses. The Raiders could work 3 qbs into the game depending upon how bad things get/how many qbs get hurt, as evidenced by last week’s improbable win over the Broncos. Michael Bush is proving that he should have been the featured back all year, and when given the opportunity to shoulder the load (see 2008 week 17 in Tampa… ugh), he’s been impressive. One has to wonder, though, if Tom Cable’s insanity will catch up to him in a game that he SHOULD win. His decision last week to go for a 4th down near the goal line when a field goal would have tied it up was the kind of decision that should have lost him the game. Cable breathed a sigh of relief when his stupidity was trumped on Monday night by what will forever be known as the ZORN FAKE FIELD GOAL OF RETARDATION. Oh, and about the Browns, their QB still sucks, and Jerome Harrison might not rush for 284 yards again. This game stays on the ground, and consequently, these teams don’t combine for 40 points. Oakland 17-13. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Raiders	SKINNER: Raiders	JON BURR: Browns win and cover

HOUSTON AT MIAMI (-3)
When your secondary struggles against the likes of Justin Gage, Bo Scaife, and Algernon “Flowers For” Crumpler, I really don’t like your chances against Andre Johnson, Kevin Walter, and Co. While I’m not at all certain that Kubiak won’t turn his crusade against fumbling into another Texans blunder, I still feel the Texans have more than enough firepower to outscore the plodding Dolphins. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Texans	SKINNER: Dolphins	JON BURR: Texans win outright

JACKSONVILLE AT NEW ENGLAND (-8)
I am wholly unimpressed with the Patriots recent performance, despite their win over a poor Bills team, but that’s nothing compared to anything involving my level of disdain for this Jaguars team. Bad teams, I can deal with. Good teams, I love to hate. When bad teams have good records, it start to rethink this whole “sports” thing. Go on, Patriots. Make things right with the world and eliminate the Jags from playoff contention. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Patriots	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win and cover

TAMPA BAY AT NEW ORLEANS (-14)
I assume that my assignment to cover my favorite team in a game that most folks are forecasting to be a world class asswhipping of epic proportions could also be viewed as an invitation to make a stupid prediction regarding the outcome. Mostly, I think it’s just Jon Burr fucking with me. With that said, I’ll shoot for “objective”. The Saints raped and pillaged in Tampa a few weeks ago, giving Josh Freeman the first of his 3 truly terrible games this year. Freeman’s gotten better, then worse, and then better again in the weeks following, and now the offense has been dialed back a notch to keep him steadier. The bigger story here is that the Bucs’ defense has actually returned to being top-10-esque in recent weeks and has only been made to look bad by all the Freeman turnovers. The Saints, coming off their only loss of the season, are the newest “really fucking mad because they just lost and are gonna kill whoever they play next” team which, I must say, is total bollocks. Ask Bill Belichick about that shit. The Bucs should be more successful, particularly defensively, and won’t allow in the 35-40 point range as the Worldwide Leader would have you believe. The Bucs’ offense will unfortunately also not score 35-40, as much as I wish they would. Saints win, 28-14. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Saints	SKINNER: Saints	JON BURR: Saints win and cover

CAROLINA AT NEW YORK GIANTS (-7)
As putrid as the Giants’ secondary has been all year, their defensive line has been rejuvenated, as of late. Couple that with the injury issues the Panthers are experiencing on the offensive live, and I don’t think you have a recipe for another Christ-like Steve Smith performance. Perhaps Steve can show Andrea Kremer his stigmata after the game. It would only be slightly stranger than his most recent post-game antics. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Giants	SKINNER: Giants	JON BURR: Giants win and cover

BALTIMORE AT PITTSBURGH (-2.5)
I’m starting to wonder if we’ll see Polamalu again this season. If we have seen the last of him, we can fully write the Steelers off as Super Bowl contenders. But seeing as how the Ravens were only barely able to defeat a Steelers team led by their third string quarterback, I’ve no reason to believe this will be much of a game. Baltimore will undoubtedly be buoyed by their recent offensive success against the league’s worst defenses, but even a depleted Steelers defense is better than the stiff breeze/conscientious objection displayed by Detroit and Chicago. As December’s end is nigh, it’s safe to say that hell has not been unleashed. But a line will firmly be drawn between these teams – one playoff caliber and one not. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Steelers	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Steelers win and cover

ST. LOUIS AT ARIZONA (-14)
Man, I feel an upset brewing. And it’s not just that I still want the Bucs to magically snag Ndamokong Suh in the draft. The Rams have actually been keeping games very close lately, and they shouldn’t be any friendlier with this division foe. Stephen Jackson continues to produce week in/week out as the heart of an otherwise AWFUL team. Check the highlights of his bloody-lipped MMA contest against Houston last week for evidence. The Cards played shitty against the Lions (yes, those Lions) last week, and the countdown to Kurt Warner’s dramatic fall from relevance has started to tick tock tick tock again. He’s played well, but I can’t help but think that the end is near and that it will be sudden. That said, the Cards are still a team with a lot of firepower, and Beanie Wells is only adding to that. The Cards may law dormant until the playoffs, but watch out other teams! Oh, and watch out Rams. It could get ugly, or you could keep it close. I have no damned idea. But I’m rooting for ya. (Cards by 10) – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Cardinals	SKINNER: Cardinals	JON BURR: Cardinals win and cover

DETROIT AT SAN FRANCISCO (-12)
Since we all know the outcome of any game involving the Lions, I’ll give you a touch of fantasy prognostication: Expect plenty of points from Vernon Davis. Rarely have I seen a team struggle to cover TEs more than the Lions. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Niners	SKINNER: Niners	JON BURR: Niners win and cover

NEW YORK JETS AT INDIANAPOLIS (-5)
As long as Colts games stay close, I think we can count on seeing the starters. And, strangely, this one will be close for long enough. The Jets offense is certainly anemic, but the Colts have been known to let teams run successfully, and their defense can stymie even the best of them. We’ve seen plenty of Colts drives stall this year, plenty of scoreless quarters, and plenty of too-close games. The Colts win these games (and they’ll win this one, too), but don’t expect to see a blowout. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Colts	SKINNER: Colts	JON BURR: Colts win and cover

DENVER AT PHILADELPHIA (-7)
Just when I think I’m starting to reluctantly hop aboard the Eagles’ bandwagon (with EVERYONE else), fresh off 5 straight victories rife with monster plays and highly entertaining football, I’m perplexed by this matchup. I’ve spoken before about the Broncos’ excellent pass defense. I think this is particularly troubling to the Eagles, who rely heavily on big pass plays. But the Eagles’ rush offense gets a bit of a boost this week with the return of Brian Westbrook, but I’d argue he might not even be necessary anymore. LeSean McCoy has started to play well, and more surprising has been the emergence of Leonard Weaver as a versatile Alstott-esque option at fullback (after getting 4 carries over the first 6 games). On the Broncos side of the ball, Kyle Orton will be able to connect with Brandon Marshall a few times in this game, but the Broncos success relies on whether they can get any production out of their inconsistent backfield. Orton won’t win you games with prolific passing performances, certainly not if the running game is as impotent as it was last week against Oakland. Broncos have much more of a shot here than the media gives them credit for, but the Eagles will pull one out in the end. Eagles by 10. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER: Eagles	JON BURR: Eagles win and cover

DALLAS AT WASHINGTON (+7)
Even if the ‘Skins O-Line isn’t quite as porous as it was against the G-Men, it had best be prepared for the Lovecraft-ian pair of DeMarcus “The Lurker at the Threshold” Ware and Anthony “Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young” Spencer. Even if Washington returns to its ways of mediocrity, as opposed to the downright horror of their latest performance, what have they to play for, other than the role of spoiler? Even if the halftime show features an all-nude revue, featuring the beauties of Brazil and Switzerland, I’ll still be hard-pressed to watch this game. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Cowboys	SKINNER: Cowboys	JON BURR: Cowboys win and cover

MINNESOTA AT CHICAGO (+7)
Nothing could fill me with more schadenfreude than the site of two straight shambolic Favre performances. The alleged infighting between Brad “Chilly” Childress and the old man may make one believe an upset is a-brewin’. Alas, the Bears have completed their decent into the league’s depths, and as the Redskins proved the previous week, Monday night games can do little in the way of motivation. There’s no reason to expect an outcome that does not involve Jake Butler tossing copious amounts of interceptions and Gruwarski babbling about the amount of character Favre must have to waltz over one of the league’s worst. Since just about everyone in America is out of fantasy contention, there must be dozens of other activities more worth your time than a game involving two of the league’s most groin-kvetching quarterbacks. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win and cover

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A YULETIDE CAROL - NFL WEEK 16 PREVIEW

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Picks and blurbs shall be posted tomorrow. The podcast, however, is more pressing. Enjoy it over a nice glass of holiday grog.

A DAY LATE AND FULL OF BOOZE - NFL WEEK 15 PREVIEW

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WEEK 15 PICKS

INDIANAPOLIS AT JACKSONVILLE (+3)
Thank God the Jags have started to lose some games. The idea of this team making the NFL playoffs was just too improbable (and not in the fun, exciting, nor compelling way) for me to believe. The Colts have committed to play their starters this week, at least until the team is up by enough points to pull them all, and this is a GOOD THING. Colts fans, as good as Peyton is, he has still thrown an uncharacteristic 9 picks in 5 games. Of course, he’s still throwing TD’s, but the point is that even the almighty Peyton can not continue to exist in a running game-less universe. Someone WILL beat them if they do not take at least SOME of the load off of his shoulders. That said, the Colts will squeak by in true Colts fashion, by an impossible 1.3 points. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Colts	SKINNER: Colts	JON BURR: Colts win and cover

DALLAS AT NEW ORLEANS (-7.5)
The Saints are an unstoppable robot. The Cowboys are a hapless bowl jello mold of a football team. Nothings gotta give! What once looked like the matchup most likely (though still unlikely) to result in a blemish on an otherwise perfect Saints regular season now looks like nothing more than one of 512 regular season clashes, certain to be a regionally-aired matchup were it not on Saturday. What more needs to be said about it? – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Saints	SKINNER:Saints	JON BURR:Saints win, but take the points

NEW ENGLAND AT BUFFALO (+7)
For all the doomsayer mentality that seems to embroil the Boston area and, to a lesser extent, pundits and yeoman fans, the Pats are still going to win their division and remain a force with which to be reckoned. The Buffalo Bills, on the other hand, are as impotent and shriveled as their owner. Or his balls. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Bills	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win and cover

ARIZONA AT DETROIT (+12)
I do not know who the Arizona Cardinals are. Are they victims of the dreaded ‘Super Bowl hangover’? Are they a dominant team who like to play shitty every couple of weeks just to keep their opponent’s guessing? Are they ‘Colts lite’?: a great immobile QB, pass-heavy offense, and susceptible to looking pretty average at any time? Just when you think they don’t scare anyone anymore, they’ll come out and play like a well-oiled scoring machine and just slay a team. All this may be relevant conversation when it comes to the playoffs, but not this week. An awful Daunte Culpepper-led Lions team will struggle mightily against the vastly super Cards. Cards by 21. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Cardinals	SKINNER: Cardinals	JON BURR: Cardinals win and cover

MIAMI AT TENNESSEE (NO LINE)
Three weeks ago, one would have thought it unlikely – nay preposterous – that either of these teams would be factors in the playoff chase. Both teams, however, have benefitted greatly by the shortcomings of the likes of Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Houston, and both teams now find themselves in what is essentially an elimination game. How did it come to this? Simply put, both teams are greater than the sums of their parts. While Tennessee does boast the most explosive player in football, his pre-Vince performances should tell you he couldn’t do it alone. Miami could very well have been dead in the water after Ronnie Brown’s season-ending injury, yet they’re only a game behind the division-leading, quickly-fading Patriots. Some may be sweating over the status of Vince Young, but I actually think the Titans have the guns to win this one with Collins at the helm. I feel a little queasy just writing it, but Tennessee’s defensive improvements mean that Collins can do exactly what he did last year: play conservatively, minimize mistakes, and hand off. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Titans	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Titans

CLEVELAND AT KANSAS CITY (-2)
I would rather watch Steve DeBerg and Bernie Kosar engage in a drunken bumfight than watch this game. Strike that, as I would probably rather watch that than most football games. I would rather watch Steve DeBerg and Bernie Kosar engage in a drunken cockfight than watch this game. There, that should do it. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Chiefs	SKINNER: Chiefs	JON BURR: Browns win outright

HOUSTON AT ST. LOUIS (NO LINE)
If Gary Kubiak knows what’s good for him (and his job security), he’ll come out this week and lay 70 on the Rams. St. Louis is inept enough to give the explosive Texans offense enough short fields to make such a crazy score happen without it looking as if the Texans were being gratuitous about it. The Rams are just terrible. However, many of you are aware that I desperately want them to win (I have ulterior draft-related reasons), but sadly they are as hopeless as Raheem Morris in speech class. The newest band on the St. Louis blues scene, Keith Null & the Void, will lose by AT LEAST 35 points. AT LEAST. Guaranteed. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Texans	SKINNER: Texans	JON BURR: Texans

ATLANTA AT NEW YORK JETS (NO LINE)
I stand by my stance that Redman and Snelling/Norwood is not a significant step down from Ryan and Turner, and thusly I maintain that their offense is not the main reason for their losing. The defense has been, as Proust would say, shitty. The Jets offense is not glamorous, but they’ve found ways to win by keeping the ball out of the hands of Mark Sanchez (I know, he’s been injured). Running is what they do, and run they shall. Neutral fans may want to divert their eyes, for this is about as unglamorous as it gets. But the Jets should be able to plod on and further continue their somewhat baffling playoff run. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Jets	SKINNER: Jets	JON BURR: Jets

SAN FRANCISCO AT PHILADELPHIA (-9)
Sure, the Niners found a way to beat the powerful Cards last week, but did you watch that game? At every turn, Arizona found new and twisted ways to give the other team the ball. They turned the ball over SEVEN TIMES, people. Those seven turnovers do not even include the two separate occasions that the Cards were fortunate enough to recover their own fumbles. Don’t count on San Fran to get this lucky twice. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER: Eagles	JON BURR: Eagles win and cover

CHICAGO AT BALTIMORE (-11)
The Bears are a disaster, and the Ravens are at home, are above average, and scored a million points last week. Ray Rice will run roughshod all over the Bears, and Jake Butler will likely have another insane display of Grossman-esque ineptitude. Oh, and Matt Forte will gain approximately 3 yards on each carry. Ravens by 14. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Ravens	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Ravens win, but take the points

OAKLAND AT DENVER (-14)
Believe it or not, it is actually a coincidence that I (Chiefs fan) am forced to opine about the two teams I hate most. Faced with my own team’s ineptitude, I am only able to get my kicks via schadenfreude. As such, I will take this opportunity to mock JaMarcus Russell. The announcement of veteran Charlie Frye as the starter now means that the once invincible Russell is now in danger of missing the active roster. Haha, Oakland. Haha. It is now that I realize the Broncos are looking good again, and Brandon Marshall’s 20-catch performance was marvelous. Shit. Oh, and Broncos win. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Broncos	SKINNER: Broncos	JON BURR: Broncos win and cover

CINCINNATI AT SAN DIEGO (-7)
I look at the Bengals and I am perplexed. Is this really a team that should perch atop the once-vaunted AFC North, or, is this simply a team that plays sound football in a suddenly-suspect division? I prefer the latter version, and expect the Chargers, who always seem to get their shit together just in time to lose in the playoffs, to continue the dismantling of the formerly formidable division. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Chargers	JON BURR: Chargers win, but take the points

GREEN BAY AT PITTSBURGH (-2)
Who would have thought the Packers could rebound so well from becoming the Buccaneers’ only victim of the season? It’s been a remarkable turnaround. Ryan Grant is making big plays and having big games (unusual) and Aaron Rodgers has firmly cemented himself as a top-flight NFL QB. Rodgers has had a famous tendency to hold the ball FOREVER and take an inordinate amount of sacks, which makes his low interception total look less impressive. It’s hard to throw picks if you choose to get sacked for a 9 yard loss instead. But the Steelers have fallen to the middle of the pack with a bullet, and this decimated defense will open up more opportunities for Rodgers and his talented receivers to exploit. Speaking of defense, the Pack has a good one that will give Ben Rallsberg some problems not unlike the ones he’s had in recent weeks. Packers win decisively, by at least 10. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Packers	JON BURR: Packers win outright

TAMPA BAY AT SEATTLE (-6)
It’s a neutral fan’s shoulder-shrug. A match made in Decatur, Illinois. A game that will be adequately encapsulated in a 30-second highlight segment of Football Night in America. One team is bad. The other team is less bad. One team must win. Yes, I am smug. But there’s just not much to say about this one. I know that Tampa Bay’s terrible, but the Seahawks really are a bad team. Soft, even. The only victory for neutral fans is in the fact that Seattle has vowed never to wear their abominable lime green jerseys. Buccaneers win. Just because. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Buccaneers	SKINNER: Seahawks	JON BURR: Seahawks win and cover

MINNESOTA AT CAROLINA (+9)
It’s never a good sign when your cornerbacks are celebrating after a ten point loss, as the Carolina Cover-men did last week after their defeat in Foxboro. I’m sure Chris Gamble & Co. will be plenty pleased after shutting down Bernard Berrian. The thing is, I’m pretty sure Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, Adrian Peterson, and even Visanthe Shiancoe will more than make up the difference. And if you didn’t think the Panthers’ running gamehave their work cut out for them already? Starting tackle Jeff Otah will be out. Minnesota’s Williams Wall must me salivating. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win and cover

NEW YORK GIANTS AT WASHINGTON (+3)
One has to at least be somewhat impressed with the way the Giants offense dissected the Eagles defense, but I’m still skeptical. They were a well-oiled machine and still lost. That has to be demoralizing. Compound that with the fact (or opinion, as the case may be) that the Redskins’ defense is a pretty solid unit and the offense has been drastically and unpredictably improved since Zorn was stripped of the playcalling, and I think Washington will be able to put the nail the coffin that contains a decomposing corpse that symbolizes the Giants’ playoff hopes. I also really like Devin Thomas and Quinton Ganther. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Redskins	SKINNER: Redskins	JON BURR: Redskins win outright

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HORSE FIGHTS AND ASIDES - NFL WEEK 14 PREVIEW

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WEEK 14 PICKS

PITTSBURGH AT CLEVELAND (+10)
Weeks ago, this would have been a very easy pick. And after 4 consecutive Pittsburgh losses, well…, it still feels like a pretty easy pick. But the Browns have shown signs of life and Brady Quinn has shown enough signs of NOT BEING AWFUL that real, actual debate has started to arise about whether the Browns already have their quarterback of the future. I’m not buying it, and I sure as hell hope the Browns’ front office isn’t either. There’s a boy named Suh that I’d love to still be on the board when my Bucs make their #1 pick next year. But I digress. The Steelers are a much better team, but without Polamalu, they’ve proven to be quite pedestrian on defense. The Browns have a patchwork quilt of a running game, and are just a bad team every way you look at it. I’m not ruling out a big upset here given what the Raiders did last week, but I’m not counting on it. Steelers by 10. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Steelers	SKINNER: Steelers	JON BURR: Steelers, but take the points

NEW ORLEANS AT ATLANTA (NO LINE)
The lay person may raise an eyebrow at the Saints’ performance against the Redskins and believe that fissures have been exposed in the New Orleans juggernaut. Step back from that ledge, folks, and be impressed that the Saints hung 33 on such a stout defense. Sure, sure, the defense made Jason Campbell look like an NFL quarterback, but it’s quite clear that they’ll not be outgunned. Even if the depleted Falcons are able to move the ball (and they probably will have some success), their defense is currently 28th in the league. Marvel, neutral NFL fans, at the well-oiled machine that will surely be on display. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Saints	SKINNER:Saints	JON BURR:Saints

GREEN BAY AT CHICAGO (+3)
A truly baffling spread. What is it about the Bears this week that is enticing bettors to lay their money in Chicago’s favor? It couldn’t be Jay Cutler, could it? Nah, he’s liable to throw more picks than TDs against Charles Woodson & Co. Could it be Matt Forte? He of the 3.4 yards per attempt? Surely not. Ah, I get it. After last week’s flagfest, sporting men are counting on the combination of Cutler’s cannon, Devin Hester’s legs, and Green Bay corner back Tramon Williams’ willingness to commit pass interference penalties to spur the Bears onto victory! Or, at least, near victory. This is the only rationale I can find for that line. The Bears, and their fans, can expect more pain this week, and most of it Cutler-inflicted. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Packers	JON BURR: Packers win and cover

DENVER AT INDIANAPOLIS (-8)
I took the Titans’ bait last week and picked the Colts to lose. And given the way the Colts have almost lost several games this year (while not actually losing one), it still feels like they are due a loss. And I’m not talking about a late-season Jim Sorgi-led loss. And the Broncos are just the team to give Peyton Manning a few fits. They’ve allowed the 2nd fewest passing yards/passing TDs this season, and the Broncos offense could have some success against a middle-of-the-pack Indy defense. Let’s also remember that the Colts have gained the least rushing yards in the ENTIRE NFL. So, don’t count on a reliable backfield to help Peyton out if he’s struggling. While I still think the Colts will likely manage to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat using magic tricks and/or mind control before the final seconds tick off, I think the Broncos keep this game very, very close. Colts by 0.025 points. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Colts	SKINNER: Colts	JON BURR: Colts, but take the points

BUFFALO AT KANSAS CITY (-1.5)
Buffalo defensive tackle Kyle Williams blamed their limp season on “their own stupidity.” He clearly has a keen eye for what ails the Bills, but there is unfortunately no cure. Stupid is as stupid does, there will be plenty of stupid on display in Kansas City. Be careful not to confuse stupidity with a poor return on investment, for that is precisely what Matt Cassel has come to represent in spades. Oh, Tyler Thigpen, where have you gone? It’s a rhetorical question. I know he’s in Miami, but part of me thinks the Chiefs let him go so as to avoid a quarterback controversy. This blurb has meandered long enough, and when it comes down to it, there’s not a lot you can predict when two bad teams play each other. The football universe can only hope that paying fans can witness a matchup similar to the Browns/Lions game a few weeks ago, and not the Rams/Lions snoozefest in week 8. In a move based on nothing but homerism, I shall choose the Chiefs to prevail. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Chiefs	SKINNER: Chiefs	JON BURR: Bills win outright

CINCINNATI AT MINNESOTA (-6.5)
As much as I’d like to say I see another Favre Farce, involving multiple interceptions tossed to the Bengals’ formidable corners, the tea leaves say otherwise. If you take away the anomalous Bears game, the Bengals have scored over 20 points thrice all season. That’s not enough to overcome the weaponry at the Vike’s disposal. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win and cover

CAROLINA AT NEW ENGLAND (-13)
This is another game where the defense of the lesser team could present a tough matchup for the vaunted offense of the obviously better team. The Panthers DBs picked off my rookie man-crush Josh Freeman five fucking times this past Sunday, providing further evidence that their secondary is the team’s strongest asset outside of their explosive running game. Speaking of that run game, if Deangelo Williams is healthy after his last-minute scratch last week, the Pats will have their hands more than full. Matt Moore is an upgrade at QB in that he can more effectively get the ball to Steve Smith. However, John Fox probably isn’t going to ask Moore to throw much more than he was asking the broken-spirited/broken-armed Delhomme to do. We may learn what Moore is made of if the Pats do what they should do and take a big lead. I give the nod to a reeling Pats team who was already supposed to be mad as hell coming off a loss two weeks ago. After last week’s loss to the Dolphins, and losses in 3 of their last 4 games, perhaps they’ll be absolutely fucking homicidially enraged this week. Pats by a TD. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Patriots	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win and cover

NEW YORK JETS AT TAMPA BAY (NO LINE)
Even if the Tampa Bay offense can overcome the abhorrent playcalling, besting the Jets defense is a tall order. If Freeman tosses interceptions as liberally as he did in Week 13, the Jets may not have to take an offensive snap in order to leave victorious. There are still questions about whether Sanchez will play, but let’s not kid ourselves. The Jets may as well direct-snap to Thomas Jones and see how many yards he can amass. The Jets may be far from a “good” team, but this seems to be a particularly poor matchup for the Bucs. Jets win by 13. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Jets	SKINNER: Jets	JON BURR: Bucs

MIAMI AT JACKSONVILLE (-3)
Gimmicks be gone! The ‘Fins put away their toys – I’m talking about the Wildcat here, Gomer – and came away victorious against the Pats last week. Expect more of the same. Henne, Bess, and Fasano may not be household names, but expect to hear them bandied about by announcers this week. Perhaps even after scores and long passes, considering the putrid nature of the Jags’ secondary. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Dolphins	SKINNER: Dolphins	JON BURR: Dolphins win outright

DETROIT AT BALTIMORE (-13)
The Ravens are clearly struggling. Their identity has been in question all year. And while they seem to be getting back to a run-first, grinding style of offense, they aren’t putting fear in many hearts. The Lions have the seeds of an explosive offense, but the lack of consistency to compete with a defense the likes of the Ravens’. Sure, they’re not great in the secondary anymore, but they still have Ed Reed, and this could be a stat-padding day for him assuming he’s healthy enough to suit up. The Ravens should handle these guys without issue. Baltimore by 2 TDs. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Ravens	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Ravens win and cover

SEATTLE AT HOUSTON (-6.5)
Houston’s inability to win since Owen Daniels went down has pretty much eliminated them (for all practical purposes) from playoff contention. It seems likely that the Seahawks, who are firmly planted among the good truly bad teams, are just the elixir. Mora’s devotion to Julius Jones’ 3.6 yards per carry average will all but guarantee a Texans victory in such a way that one not need worry about Schaub’s propensity for late-game folly. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Texans	SKINNER: Texans	JON BURR: Texans win and cover

ST. LOUIS AT TENNESSEE (-13)
Now that OJ Atogwe is out for the season, this leaves only Steven Jackson and rookie LB James “Road Warrior Animal, Jr.” Laurinaitis as the sole bright spots for the miserable Rams. Surely, they will not be enough to defeat a team fighting for what’s left of their playoff hopes. As I’ll be in attendance at the game, I’ll be taking submissions for “witticisms to be uttered after Kyle Boller turnovers.” Suggestions may be sent to feedback@loweratlantisgunclub.com. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Titans	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Titans, but take the points

WASHINGTON AT OAKLAND (+1)
You may have noticed that I’m a bit of a Raiders bandwagoneer these days. Three of their four wins have been against quality teams, they’ve resolved the chaos at the QB position with the scrappy, Jeff Garcia-esque Bruce Gradkowski, and their defense has kept them in games against usually difficult-to-contain offenses. On the Skins side of things, Jason Campbell is again doing a fine job of saving his job by playing just well enough to make people think that it’s “not him” and that it’s “other parts of the team” that are enabling the Redskins’ perennial shittiness. I’m not saying it’s ALL him, but the Skins need should probably move on after this season. Additionally, Washington’s receivers don’t strike fear into many around the league these days, despite the recent emergence of Devin Thomas. I am going to have to summon the mystical powers of MOMENTUM in helping me pick this game. Raiders are home after a HUGE road win at Pittsburgh. Redskins are in a hostile environment after a demoralizing overtime loss to New Orleans. Raiders by 5. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Redskins	SKINNER: Raiders	JON BURR: Redskins win and cover

SAN DIEGO AT DALLAS (-3)
Both of these teams may be in prime position for respective playoff berths, but history tells us that nothing is etched in stone. Should one or both of these teams miss the playoffs, we may very well see some drastic and, frankly long overdue, personnel changes. Be still, my heart. Speculation like that is probably of little use in what is supposed to be a game blurb, so I’ll at least attempt to sound analytical. One of these teams is showing some serious flaws, and that team is not the Chargers. Even in victories, the Cowboys have looked anything but sharp. Romo looks average again, and the Cowboys have all but abandoned the running game. I expect the Dallas December Decline to alliterative d-word that means “continue,” followed immediately by calls for Romo to be benched. Jon Kitna then leads the team to the playoffs, and “boy howdy” becomes the rallying cry for all of Dallas. Chargers win. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Chargers	JON BURR: Chargers win outright

PHILADELPHIA AT NEW YORK GIANTS (-1)
Both Andy “Bad Father” Reid and Tom “Resident Evil 4 Zombie” Coughlin have established themselves as coaches who are able to get the best out of their team at the end of the season. Despite the much-needed changes Coughlin has initiated along the defensive line and the sudden -and by sudden, I mean “for one fluky play”- reemergence of Brandon Jacobs, I don’t see the Giants’ secondary and linebackers being able to cover the Eagles’ WRs and RBs. Nor do I see Eli Manning surviving the hysterical number of blitzes Philly will send his way. Couple this with Reid suddenly getting all of the various wrinkles in his offense to work, and I’d say we have the makings for a new team atop the NFC East. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER: Eagles	JON BURR: Eagles win outright

ARIZONA AT SAN FRANCISCO (+3.5)
I like new things. This is the primary problem with my bank account. It’s also the problem with some of my insane picks. Should I stop now!? Let’s see! The 49ers are FULL of new things! Alex Smith’s consistency and playmaking ability is new (or re-newed if you count college). Vernon Davis’s status as top-flight NFL TE is new. Everything about Michael Crabtree is new. The Cardinals, on the other hand, are not as new. Fitzgerald/Boldin have been there for a few years now and we all know what studs they are. This team won the division last year and went to the Super Bowl, heightening the nation’s awareness of and the NFL’s promotion of the Cardinals. And Kurt Warner and his unending feelgood story are old as shit. Two words: Booor Riiing. So based on that cunning assessment, it’s obvious here that I’m taking the young, hot, new, gold-pants’d 49ers, right? Psyche. I hate it, but I’m taking the birds by 10. Take that analysis and cherish it. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Cardinals	SKINNER: Cardinals	JON BURR: Cardinals win and cover

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JASON ELAM, FREEDOM FIGHTER - NFL WEEK 13 PREVIEW

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WEEK 13 PICKS

NEW YORK JETS AT BUFFALO (+3)
Terrell Owens has had a couple of popcorn-worthy performances since the deceptively athletic Ryan Fitzpatrick has taken the helm at QB for the Bills. The QB change coupled with the Jauron firing seems to have ignited a spark within a team who had been incredibly flat all year. Earlier in the season, a considerably worse Bills team defeated a then-reeling Jets team, and I think the Bills have a great shot in this one as well. Darrelle Revis will make getting the ball to Owens more difficult than it’s been in recent weeks, but Fitzpatrick has shown he has the elusiveness to give receivers time to get open. Couple this with Mark Sanchez’s once promising rookie season unravelling into a mess of atypically erratic young QB play, and the Jets have their work cut out for them. The game is a Bills home game in Toronto, so home field shouldn’t have much of an effect here. This one’s a pick ‘em in my eyes, but for the sake of being polarizing, I will take the Bills by 1 point. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Jets	SKINNER: Bills	JON BURR: Jets win and cover

PHILADELPHIA AT ATLANTA (+5.5)
Believe it or not, I don’t think the Atlanta offense suffers greatly as a result of injuries to star running back Michael Turner and forgettable quarterback Matt Ryan. Norwood and Snelling, as a duo, seem more than capable of achieving success on the ground, and Redman is at least not a Boller-esque drop off in talent. The suffering, it seems, will come as a result of simply being overmatched. Atlanta’s defense gets worse by the week, and even without DeSean Jackson, there are more than enough weapons at Philly’s disposable to lay the Falcons to waste. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER:Eagles	JON BURR:Eagles win and cover

DENVER AT KANSAS CITY (+4.5)
Oh, Broncos, your vacillation has left a nation sick at sea. It seems you may have righted the ship, at last. Either that, or are the Giants truly that deplorable? I don’t see the Broncos as a bad team, but perhaps a little overconfidence after their blistering start and a Chris Simms sighting gave them a touch of the scurvy. The sinking Chiefs should serve as the strong and curative dose of Vitamin C the Broncos require. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Chiefs	SKINNER: Broncos	JON BURR: Broncos win and cover

ST. LOUIS AT CHICAGO (-9.5)
If the Bears lose, I guarantee a Lovie Smith firing, possibly before the end of the season. Possibly next week. There’s simply no excuse for such a high-profile team with such a high-profile off-season acquisition at QB (Jake Butler) to walk in to St. Louis and be beaten by a Kyle Boller-led 1-win team. While I hope it happens, even I don’t think it will. Da Bears win, but do not cover. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Bears	SKINNER: Bears	JON BURR: Bears, but take the points

OAKLAND AT PITTSBURGH (-14)
Make no mistake, this is a mismatch. All the same, I can’t help but feel like the spread is a little high. Have we, as a people, already forgotten Pittsburgh’s futility against Kansas City? Even a JaMarcus Russell-led Raiders team won at Kansas City, and they are inarguably better with Gradkowski under center. To be sure, moving the ball against Pittsburgh’s defense will be an insurmountable order for the Raiders. I guess I’m just less impressed with the Steelers’ offense in recent weeks than Vegas seems to be. Enough about gambling, though. As long as the Raiders continue to allow running backs to run roughshod, games like this will remain no-brainers. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Steelers	SKINNER: Steelers	JON BURR: Steelers win and cover

HOUSTON AT JACKSONVILLE (-1)
The Jaguars have revealed themselves to be a decidedly average team that can only muster wins when David Garrard plays excellent football. Unfortunately for the Jags, this is happening with less and less frequency. As much as this team is thought of as MoJo’s, the truth is, as Garrard goes, so go the Jags. Sadly, even if the good Garrard shows up, Jacksonville will be hard-pressed to compete with the high-powered Texans’ offense, even with the self-destructing Matt Schaub in the backfield. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Texans	SKINNER: Texans	JON BURR: Texans win outright

DETROIT AT CINCINNATI (-12.5)
It’s Christmas time in Cincinnatti! Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford has been passing out gifts all season to opposing defenses, and there’s no reason to think it stops in December. Cincy’s defense has been stout all year, and they should dominate the young Lions’ offense. Look for Carson Palmer and Ochocinco to have a big game on their way to a one-sided final score. Bengals win and cover that bulbous spread. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Bengals	SKINNER: Bengals	JON BURR: Bengals win and cover

TENNESSEE AT INDIANAPOLIS (-7)
‘Twould be a perfect example of the gambler’s fallacy to say that Indianapolis “has” to lose eventually. They don’t. They may at some point, and a glance at the Colts’ schedule may lead one to believe that this is the toughest remaining matchup, ergo the Colts shall fall at the mighty hand of Vince Young’s second coming. Not me, though. For keeping Matt Leinart, Trent Edwards, and Alex Smith in check is not the same as containing Peyton Maning (who already threw for 309 yards and three touchdowns once against Tennessee). The Titans’ resurgence is a feel-good story that I am happy to have witnessed. I can say that I was wholeheartedly wrong, and Vince Young is, indeed, a significant step up from Kerry Collins. But just as George Mason lost in the Final Four and Susan Boyle finished runner-up, VY and the Titans lose to the vastly superior Colts. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Colts	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Colts win, but take the points

NEW ENGLAND AT MIAMI (+5)
The Dolphins don’t have the receivers to be anything but a one-dimensional team, at this point. Couple that with what has to be an angry and embarrassed Pats team, and we have the makings of a blowout. If the Patriots were in any division but the AFC East, I would say they have plenty to worry about. Alas, with their remaining schedule, the playoffs are a certainty and a first round bye a possibility. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Patriots	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win and cover

NEW ORLEANS AT WASHINGTON (+10)
The dreadfulness of the Redskins offense, with Jason Campbell scrambling out of the pocket in what appears to be slow motion, a cavalcade of average running backs, and a usually irrelevant #1 wide receiver, has really done a disservice to what is a pretty solid defensive unit. However, this week, the ’skins have little to no chance of fending off the Saints’ prolific aerial attack and solid running attack. The fact is, it’s proven to simply be too much for even the best teams in this league to handle, and the Skins are not one of those teams. Saints win and cover. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Saints	SKINNER: Saints	JON BURR: Saints win, but take the points

TAMPA BAY AT CAROLINA (-6)
To the normal eye, Delhomme has been benchable since week one. To the John Fox eye, it takes an injury to sideline the lovable Cajun who liberally tosses interceptions to anyone who is paying attention. Compound this with Deangelo’s sprained ankle, and we are treading into “wheels have come off” territory. Side note – Deangelo? Do I know this guy? What the fuck? Am I Brent Musberger? Deangelo Williams from here on out. Anyhow, Carolina’s opposition is starting to show promise. Antonio Bryant is back, the cover 2 seems to be working, and Josh Freeman won’t lose you games. Everything’s coming up Bucs. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Bucs	SKINNER: Bucs	JON BURR: Bucs win outright

SAN DIEGO AT CLEVELAND (+13)
We’ve officially reached the point of the season where Norv and his cronies hit full-stride, running roughshod through their opponents, lobbing TD passes up and down the field, and leaving their fallen foes aquiver. This is of course, only the second of three phases of a Norv-led team, with the first being the the perennial slow start. The third, of course, involves a playoff flameout of biblical proportions. The Browns, on the other hand, have a nice draft class of QBs coming up. I hope they take Jimmy Clausen, so he and Brady can reminisce on Indiana Boys and Indiana Nights with Coach Weis. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Chargers	JON BURR: Chargers win and cover

DALLAS AT NEW YORK GIANTS (+1)
Kill me. The NFC East sucks the life out of me. It’s the E.R., Desperate Housewives, Law & Order S.V.U, and CSI Miami of the NFL: Always on TV, totally smug, full of itself, un-charming, highly consumed, and overrated. The NFC East is the football equivalent to a “greatest hits of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s” cover band. There’s so much history here, but not ton of modern day intrigue. All that waxing aside, this could certainly make for an entertaining game. And I certainly hope so, considering its inevitable network airing in all national markets. The Cowboys are a sneaky 8-3 team with likeable new stars in Miles Austin and Felix Jones, and the Giants appear to be completely lost and floundering. This marks the first time I’ve picked against the Giants all year and signals my final exit from their bandwagon. It was getting very lonely in there. Cowboys by 7. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Cowboys	SKINNER: Cowboys	JON BURR: Cowboys win outright

SAN FRANCISCO AT SEATTLE (-1)
I look at Seattle’s team, and I can’t quite wrap my head around how they’re this bad. A ten-point victory over a Boller-led Rams team does nothing to dispel that, either. Meanwhile, the ‘Niners downright humiliated a Jacksonville team that is still (inexplicably) in contention for an AFC Playoff spot. I refuse to be one to measure a team simply by their last performance. Anymore. I think the real Forty-Niners are the ones who allowed Ryan Grant to run for over 6 yards a carry, and I somehow believe that Seattle’s still got the weapons to win this one. If they don’t, I’m never picking them again. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Seahawks	SKINNER: Niners	JON BURR: Niners win outright

MINNESOTA AT ARIZONA (-3)
The sheer number of weapons at the Vikings’ disposal has to be giving Ken Whisenhunt nightmares. However, if I were Coach Ken, the one player who’d be robbing precious REM time would be Matt Leinart. The Leinart-led Cards are not the Christ-like Warriorbirds of Arizona, as championed by Kurt Warner. Leinart’s poor footwork and startling inaccuracy are in stark contrast to Warner’s surgical style. I feel the Cards would have their hands full even with the streaky-yet-capable Warner at the helm, but, if Leinart continues to play, I expect plenty of sacks in this game and another bullet point for Favre’s MVP candidacy argument. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win outright

BALTIMORE AT GREEN BAY (-3)
Strangely enough, there are plenty of misconceptions about these two teams. The Packers actually sport the better defense of the two, and Baltimore’s offense is no longer the run-first monolith it used to be. I imagine this will play out not unlike last week’s Pats/Saints game, where it sure does seem impossible to choose between the two teams, but the game ends up being a lopsided affair. As even as these teams seem to be, the Ravens are struggling with injuries and could barely bottle up Dennis Dixon and his Polamalu-less Steelers. I expect Aaron Rodgers to throw for multiple touchdowns and take only one safety, giving The Pack more than enough points for the win. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Packers win and cover

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WITH SPECIAL GUEST GEOFF PHISHER - NFL WEEK 12 PREVIEW

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WEEK 12 PICKS

GREEN BAY AT DETROIT (+12)
Put away your anointing oils, Lions fans, for the Packers aren’t the Browns. Even with Kampman and Harris put out to pasture, the Packers, who sport a gaudy +14 turnover differential, have more than enough defensive firepower to lock down the Lions, they of the -9 turnover differential. If the Lions secondary allowed Brady Quinn to look great, expect Rodgers to become transcendent. Take whatever money you didn’t spend on the Pontiac Silverdome and put it on the Pack. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Packers	SKINNER: Packers	JON BURR: Packers win and cover

OAKLAND AT DALLAS (-14)
Gruh-dowski? Gruh-kowski? Badkowski? Bukowski? All reasonable Polish names. However, my dear media asses, they are INCORRECT. For weeks I heard the quote “As bad as JaMarcus Russell is, they just don’t have anyone better behind him”. What they meant, of course, was “no one in the league is worse than JaMarcus Russell”. Yes, it was a classic case of wholesale misspeech. Many fans will merely glance at this game on the schedule, chuckle to themselves, and mentally envision the asswhipping that the Cowboys will most certainly hand the lowly Raiders. Not this podcaster/blogger/all-around smart and athletic guy! I WILL NOT DO THIS. The ‘Boys are MIRACULOUSLY 7-3, through some form of magic or perhaps the Will of God. Their QB play is beyond suspect, their receiving corps is in an enormous slump, and if they fail to run the ball down Oakland’s throat, then they will certainly lose this game. Oakland has proven that they CAN play a solid defensive game. Gradkowski gives them a chance to win on offense. I think that’s exactly what happens. Raiders upset the ‘Boys, 21-20. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Cowboys	SKINNER:Raiders	JON BURR:Cowboys, but take the points

NEW YORK GIANTS AT DENVER (+6)
The Broncos’ preseason was riddled with infighting, boo-birds, and Brandon Marshall’s petulance. If one were to skip straight to Denver’s bye week via Vonnegut-esque time warp, he or she probably would not be surprised by the performances on display the last four weeks. The rest of us, though, have a right to be dumbfounded. What the hell happened? Primarily, the defense is a shell of itself. Before the bye, opponents averaged 253 total yards per game. Post bye, they’re allowing nearly 100 yards per game more. Considering the offense-shy Redskins moved the ball willfully, the Giants should have no trouble doing the same. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Giants	SKINNER: Giants	JON BURR: Giants, but take the points

TAMPA BAY AT ATLANTA (-12)
Nooooow we’re talking. What could be more exciting than a 1-9 team in complete disarray visiting an average 5-5 team that during pre-season I deemed the “new Patriots”? Answer? Well, almost everything. However, since I will be in attendance, I will find a way to siphon some interest out of what was at one time a pretty good post-millennial rivalry. The Bucs’ defensive plays will now be called by Raheem Morris, who has appeared to have been doing very little coaching on the sidelines all season. Perhaps this will make him appear less bored by the “action” on the field. Matt Ryan and co. enter the game struggling to regain last year’s form with key injuries at RB and inconsistent play at WR. If the Bucs can hold down Gonzo, and get a couple picks off the INT-happy Ryan, then they’ve got a great chance for an upset. They can’t have Freeman overthrowing everyone like he did last week against the Saints. Homer pick: Bucs upset the Falcons, and I witness my favorite team winning in person for the first time ever. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Falcons	SKINNER: Bucs	JON BURR: Falcons, but take the points

MIAMI AT BUFFALO (+3)
There are few defenses that can shut down the Miami Dolphins’ one-headed monster, and the good Lord told me personally that the Bills, who rank next to last in terms of rushing yards allowed, are not one of them. There’s always the remote chance that Miami’s weak secondary could be exposed, but we’re talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick. Ricky Williams will impose himself early and often. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Dolphins	SKINNER: Dolphins	JON BURR: Dolphins win and cover

CLEVELAND AT CINCINNATI (-14)
Dry your eyes, Brady Quinn. Coach Weis will land on his feet. There, there. On second thought, perhaps Quinn should stock up on the Kleenex, because the Bengals’ elite corners should be eliciting more pain from the pouty boy blunder. Quinn’s brief flashback to collegiate glory lasts only a week. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Bengals	SKINNER: Bengals	JON BURR: Bengals win and cover

SEATTLE AT ST. LOUIS (+3)
Well, well. Why this didn’t make the universal Arnaz of the week, I’ll never know. Burr has no doubt assigned this game to me as punishment, but I will try to feel my way through this dark corridor of anger: Kyle Boller’s playin’. Oceanbirds by 40. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Seahawks	SKINNER: Seahawks	JON BURR: Seahawks win and cover

CAROLINA AT NEW YORK JETS (-3)
Are there really rumblings that Rex Ryan could be fired? Granted, there are talented coaches on the market. But there were good coaches on the market last year, and it’s difficult to imagine any franchise benefitting from three coaches in three years. Sadly, things are not likely to get any better this week. Their once vaunted run defense has been emasculated recently, and Carolina has finally realized that they need not veer from the vanilla-but-effective game plan of relentless rushes by Williams and Stewart, followed only sparingly by gentle tosses to Steve Smith. Thomas Jones does have the potential to go off, but this is a rare matchup in which Delhomme is actually the better quarterback. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Panthers	SKINNER: Jets	JON BURR: Jets win and cover

WASHINGTON AT PHILADELPHIA (-9)
The name “Rock Cartwright” conjures images of a hardened private eye or a silver screen war hero. The ‘Skins will need more than a manly monikers, if they have a hope in hell of beating the Eagles. The Eagles may be hard to gauge from week-to-week, but a steady diet of blitz packages should be enough to stymy Jason “Checkdown” Campbell and the Haynesworth-less Redskins. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Eagles	SKINNER: Eagles	JON BURR: Eagles win and cover

INDIANAPOLIS AT HOUSTON (+3)
This game has the makings of an exciting one based on these teams’ earlier Awesome Battle. However, any excitement or high-level competitive play will undoubtedly give way to a Texans’ misstep in crunch time, effectively ending the ever-middling team’s shot at the playoffs yet again. Burr blames Schaub. I blame Kubiak. I’m sure it wasn’t Schaub who came up with the idea last week to lose half a yard by falling down in an effort to inch the ball closer to the middle of the field to provide Kris Brown a better spot from which to kick a very long field goal instead of running a play to gain a few yards. But bad coaches do what bad coaches do. We all know what the undefeated Colts are capable of. It may not seem easy for them to pull off, but it’s written in the book of life: Colts win. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Colts	SKINNER: Colts	JON BURR: Colts win and cover

KANSAS CITY AT SAN DIEGO (-14)
There was a point this season in which the Chiefs had won one game in their last thirty – a mark only equalled by the Detroit Lions. Yikes. At the very least, wins like last week’s might lead loyal fans to believe that the days of extreme futility are behind them. The Chargers may undo all of that. The Bolts finally look like a force to be reckoned with, and LaDainian Tomlinson is scoring! Touchdowns! So is Legedu Naanee. And can we stop talking about how Chambers is going to be motivated by revenge? By most accounts, he left amicably and both sides have benefited. Sports are, indeed, interesting enough. We don’t need to spread Rocky-Balboa’s-out-to-prove-something bullshit all over it. Chambers will do nothing, by the way. So you know. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Chargers	SKINNER: Chargers	JON BURR: Chargers, but take the points

JACKSONVILLE AT SAN FRANCISCO (-3)
Well, hell. Do you take the team that can’t play defense or the team that can’t play offense? In years past, maybe one could get away with a stout defense and a good running back, but not in today’s NFL. As much as I like the way the Niners are finally starting to scheme towards Alex Smith’s strengths, and as mightily as the Jags have struggled against the pass, the Jags have the better offense, and I think that wins them the day. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: 49ers	SKINNER: 49ers	JON BURR: Jaguars win outright

ARIZONA AT TENNESSEE (+3)
At press time, it remains uncertain whether or not Kurt Warner will be fit to play in this game. And while that will undoubtedly effect the amount of points that the Cardinals will be able to score, I contend that it won’t really matter all that much. I believe that the Titans will find a way to triumph, thus continuing on their quest to do the unthinkable (lose the first 6, win the final 10). It’s crazy…, I know. But one of us has to shoot from the hip and deny stats and logic. Otherwise, we’re all just a bunch of boring-ass 8th grade math teachers. But in math teacher chic, I offer this: The Cards offer up the league’s 6th worst pass defense. Their run defense has looked OK on paper thanks to big leads forcing opponents to pass heavily. And, ladies and gentleman, they’ve not seen the likes of the great Chris Johnson yet. Titans win. – SKINNER
AUSTIN: Titans	SKINNER: Titans	JON BURR: Cardinals win and cover

CHICAGO AT MINNESOTA (-10.5)
What the hell do you want from me? Brett Favre will throw accurate passes and Jay Cutler will not. Adrian Peterson will run far and run fast, while Matt Forte will not. The end. – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Vikings	SKINNER: Vikings	JON BURR: Vikings win and cover

PITTSBURGH AT BALTIMORE (-3)
It’s very simple. If Roethlisberger doesn’t play, the Steelers will lose. However, nothing in his or the Steelers’ histories point to him missing time due to his concussion. As evidence, I’ll point you to the QB’s history of playing through CATASTROPHIC MOTORCYCLE CRASHES and the franchise’s history of overlooking concussion symptoms. The sad story of Merrill Hoge and the sadder, still, tale of Mike Webster should serve as cautionary tales, which I’m skeptical that the Steelers will heed. – JON BURR
AUSTIN: Steelers	SKINNER: Ravens	JON BURR: Steelers win outright

NEW ENGLAND AT NEW ORLEANS (-3)
To be sure, this should be a good one. Here, we have two of the three best quarterbacks in the league, each with a talented supporting cast. This one is a fantasy football player’s wet dream. In the real world, though New England’s defense is measurably better than New Orleans, and they’ve done it against tougher opponents. The Saints were efficient against the Bucs last week, but they have looked less marauding against the likes of St. Louis, Carolina, and Atlanta. I predict a Patriots victory, followed immediately by inane conjecture about how Belichick’s blown 4th and 2 call was a motivator, and that maybe now the Saints aren’t Super Bowl contenders. It’ll all be bullshit. The game itself is not to be missed, though, so be sure to tune in Monday night…on mute. These prolific offenses are likely to inspire record numbers of monosyllabic superlatives and confusing similes (Jaws and Gruden haven’t yet learned about metaphors). – AUSTIN
AUSTIN: Patriots	SKINNER: Patriots	JON BURR: Patriots win outright

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Panthers at Dolphins, as told by Skinner
This game, which already happened, should have been a better one. I blame the NFL for airing games on the only night in which decent non-sports television programming is aired. The Panthers’ run game continued to drive their offense, but John Fox’s call of a Delhomme-to-Steve Smith bomb on 3rd and 1 in the first half set the play-calling bar pretty low. The Dolphins, behind Jon Burr’s “Fantasy Ray Perkins”, Ricky Williams, prevailed. Fin(s).

Browns at Lions, as told by Austin
Writing a blurb about this game is less like drawing the short straw and more like taking said straw, sharpening it in a pencil sharpener, and poking it under your fingernails. Nonetheless, the NFL don’t explicitly say there will be a winner, but the odds are pretty good that one of the teams will. Some might be tempted to say that Jamal Lewis will run roughshod over the Lions porous run defense, but I don’t see it as an inevitability. Do keep in mind that, while he did run for 117 yards against Buffalo’s equally bad run defense, it took him 31 carries to do it. I predict the Browns get down early and are forced to “rely” on either awful quarterback A’s weak arm or awful quarterback B’s terrible accuracy. Lions win, and it isn’t close.

Skins at Cowboys as told by Jon Burr
Sound the Fantasy Alarm! Jerrah Jonesah wants Felix Jones to get the ball more, so expect a significant rise in his playing time. Unless we have another ruse from the Texas Sidewinder on our hands, not unlike his prognostication of more carries for Tashard Choice a few weeks back, which resulted in ZERO carries. Well, we know Wade “Big Puddin’” Phillips isn’t in charge, but if Jerry’s not in charge……….who is?

Steelers at Chiefs, as told by Skinner
The Chiefs, without Dwayne Bowe and all his muscles, have absolutely no chance. Even if a slightly atrophied, unsuspended Bowe could suit up and play, they’d still have no chance. Even if Rallsberg fell off another crotch-rocket, Hines Ward injured himself, and Troy Polamalu removed his head and his shoulders, the Chiefs STILL wouldn’t have a chance.

49ers at Packers, as told by Austin
There’s a very real possibility that the Niners pass rush will be effective enough to keep Rodgers from being effective, but the Packers’ defense – and particularly their run defense – has been pretty stout against teams not named Vikings and in games in which Aaron Rodgers is not doling out JaMarcus Russell-esque interceptions. I predict a low-scoring game, and I think that favors the Packers.

Seahawks at Vikings, as told by Jon Burr
Matt Hasselbeck, meet Jared Allen. That is all.

Falcons at Giants, as told by Skinner
Someone has to win the NFC East. By process of intelligence, I will rule out the Redskins. Based on McNabb’s combustibility and the absence of a running game, I will rule out the Eagles. Based on the fact that the Dallas Cowboys are more TV show than football team, I will exclude them. That leaves the Giants. And in order to win the division, they must win games. That starts here, over a shaky Matt Ryan-led offense with no Michael Turner and a hobbling Roddy White. Tony Gonzalez is going to require several extra hands to catch all the balls that will likely be flying his way.

Saints at Buccaneers, as told by Austin
This game figures to be much closer than one would have thought three weeks ago. Josh Freeman has been decent, and the Saints’ run defense has looked very, very pedestrian. The Rams kept it close, why can’t the Bucs? Couldn’t Cadillac be a decent fantasy play? Realistically, no. For all their exposed flaws, Drew Brees is still the quarterback, and any of their three running backs is capable of destroying this inept run defense. Maybe all three. Saints have it in the bag.

Bills at Jags, as told by Jon Burr
If Mojo Drew needs a shot at fantasy recompense for last week’s kneeldown at the 1, he won’t have to wait long. I envision a scenario in which the Bills’ defense just turn tail and run, serving as stormtroopers to Mojo’s Han Solo, in a stirring reenactment of a scene from within the Death Star’s corridors.

Colts at Ravens, as told by Skinner
In possibly the most hostile environment the Colts will experience all season, they really shouldn’t waver. Flacco’s inexperience is finally showing and Ray Rice is a great weapon but not enough to push the Ravens over Mount Manning. Baltimore fans can only hope that the ghosts of defenses past show up for a haunting in this one.

Cardinals at Rams, as told by Austin
Was the Cardinals’ run defense ever that stout? Or was their pass defense so awful that people never realized they could run as well? Justin Forsett put up an impressive 123 yards against them last week, and the last time they faced a running back as talented as SJax, they were embarrassed. It’s tempting to pick the Rams in this one, but Warner is finally looking like the Warner of 2008. Eh, screw it. I’m picking the Rams. Warner’s due for another egg-laying, and this type of humiliating loss is certainly not out of the question.

Chargers at Broncos, as told by Jon Burr
The only division that continually forgives Norv Turner’s habitual poor starts. Methinks McD is going to need more than a few fluky Eddie Royal Special Teams TDs to overcome the second-half-of-the-season incarnation San Diego squad, which has suddenly acquired a pass rush.

Bengals at Raiders, as told by Skinner
While it’s been documented that I think Bruce Gradkowski is a better QB than anyone gives him credit for, he’s unfortunately being given his first starting opportunity since his rookie season in a what appears to be an unwinnable game. I guarantee, however, he will fare better than JaMarcus Russell would have in the same situation, and I think many factors will actually keep this game close. The Raiders’ secondary should hold the Bengals’ receivers in check, and with Cedric Benson unlikely to go, it remains to be seen exactly where the Bengals’ offensive attack will come from. But the Bengals are the overwhelmingly superior team, and should be able to eke out a win one way or another.

Jets at 4th-and-2’s, as told by Austin
Unlike the previous matchup, Welker’s back. Add to that Darrelle Revis’ smack talk, Randy Moss’ stellar form, and Bill Bellichick’s record against teams the second time he’s facing them in a season, and this one could be first-time-sex ugly.

Eagles at Bears, as told by Jon Burr
CONSUMER WARNING: All prognostications pertaining to Andy Reid-led teams may contain elements which lead to certain and inexplicable defeat against lesser opponents. Such as 32 straight passing plays. Or peanuts. Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll start writing a consumer warning with regards to Jay Cutler’s proclivity for errant passes. And pouting.

Titans at Texans, as told by Austin
Like most of the country, I was wrong about Vince Young. That said, the Titans’ running game is still the focus of the offense, and the Texans’ run defense has improved exponentially since their Week 2 Chris Johnson stampede. Cushing & Co. won’t be able to completely stop Chris Johnson, but they’ll at least contain him enough for the Texans offense to open up a lead. After all, the Titans’ secondary is still abysmal, and Matt Schaub – after a bye, no less – should be able to move the ball at will. The winning streak ends, and the Texans progress toward their first ever playoff spot.

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