NFL WEEK 17 PISQUES

Ryan Fitzpatrick is ready to go, and that drastically improves the quality of this game. That right there should tell you just about everything you need to know about this sorry matchup. Let it be said that Matt Painter is no Jim Sorgi, which means that the Colts B Team will lean heavily on rookie running back, Donald Brown. The opportunity to see Brown unbridled by the Addai timeshare may be the only reason to watch this truly meaningless game. I say the Bills win by virtue of fielding a football team. – AUSTIN

I hate to always be the one who falls prey to the lulling hypnotic power of MOMENTUM, but I do believe it exists. In a world full of emotional people whose individual failings give birth to inconsistency, absence of confidence, and even pathetic sadness, it is fair to believe that this phenomenon is also prevalent in the world of professional football. Considering that (among other less interesting/more logical reasons), I believe that the Panthers will win this game. And it’s not just because the Saints may rest their stars (which they should not do!). The Panthers have a strong secondary, their running game is one of the top 3 or 4 in the league no matter who gets the carries, and their quarterback play has improved dramatically since Matt Moore has appeared. Throw in a 10% chance of a massive game by Julius Peppers, and you have yourself a more than a 50% chance of winning. Consider Drew Brees’ inability to get the Saints over the hump in recent games and their loss on Sunday to THE YOUNG SOLDIERS OF SKINNER, I think the Panthers have a virtual head start in this one. The Saints should try to win one so they don’t head to the playoffs on a 3-game skid. However, I don’t think they pull it off. Panthers by 7. – SKINNER

Hysterically, the Jags still have a chance to make the playoffs. Mind you, it involves four other teams blowing it, but master motivator Jack “Keep Choppin’ Wood” Del Rio can point to last year’s Eagles squad as a team that defied similar odds to make the playoffs. Unfortunately, this scenario is the only synonymous element between the Eagles and Jags. Even Derek Anderson could have a good day against this team, which sports the worst secondary I’ve seen all year, but I’m going to guess the Jags have enough on offense to outscore the suddenly feisty Browns. Jags win outright. – JON BURR

The Cowboys’ glaring weakness is their secondary, and the Eagles (who rank 26th in rushing attempts) have no shortage of weapons in their receiving arsenal. I expect this to work out in a completely logical way and with some frequency. In a season of bad teams in which even the good teams are kind of bad, it’s nice to see a week 17 matchup like this one. Aside from being bitter rivals, both are hitting their stride and both have a decent amount to play for. In my eyes, though, the Eagles are still a notch above their NFC East brethren. – AUSTIN

(PARENTHESES ALERT!!) While it may sadden Jon Burr (and possibly Austin Gray… though I doubt it), my heart was warmed on Monday night as I witnessed Jake Butler (demon horns, drooly lip, pouty scowl, and all) transform into the quarterback that the Bears thought they’d traded for in the offseason (Jay Cutler), delivering one hell of an overtime dagger into the “heart” of Brett Favre (and his subordinates, the Minnesota Vikings). Next week, with Favre out of the picture and replaced by one Drew Stanton (or whoever), I think the upward swing continues. Devin (what’s your favorite word for “smell”? I prefer “odor”, or “stench”, however) Aromashodu has assumed the role once played by the OTHER more oft-injured Devin (Hester), and Aromashodu appears to be doing it better in Hester’s absence. As bad as the Bears have been (real fucking bad), this still really should be no contest (maybe). Bears by 14 (field goals). – SKINNER

So let me get this straight: If the Pats sit their starters, the Texans blow them out? This is a team that has beaten their opponent by 8 or more only thrice all season. And what, exactly, makes you think the Pats will rest their starters? Belichick’s lip service? The man is a jackal! Furthermore, unlike the Colts’ organization, New England seems to understand what a sense of continuity and rhythm does for an offense. We may see some defensive starters sit and some stars take a breather in the second half, but I don’t see a Colts-ian rollover in the Pats’ future. Pats win outright. – JON BURR

In four out of the last five weeks, the Steelers defense has allowed over 300 total yards of offense. The fifth game was the Thursday night affair in which they lost to the Browns. To repeat, the defense sans Polamalu is less special than your white middle-class C student. A lot may hinge on Ricky Williams’ health status, but I’d even trust Henne to throw 50 times again. It’s a bit of a reach to think the Dolphins’ defense is capable of completely halting the Steelers’ passing attack, but Hines Ward is hobbled and ineffective. I think the Dolphins win a close one, and the defending champs go out with a whimper. – AUSTIN

Early in the season, you could have pictured this game as an NFC Championship preview. And while one of these teams is still very much in the hunt, both teams are in similarly dark periods of freefall. The one difference here is that the Vikings are losing games relatively closely, and the Giants are either winning huge or losing huge. With nothing to play for other than spoiling the Vikings’ seeding hopes, I see the Giants and their seemingly divided locker room mailing it in. I like the line, Vikes by 9. – SKINNER

Despite their records, these are two pretty similar teams. The Jets’ record is more indicative of their level of success, while Cincy’s record belies a pretty shaky offense. There’s talk of Cincy resting their starters, which is never a good idea, but if that leads to the Jets making the playoffs and keeping the Steelers out, most of the AFC will be rooting hard for them to do so. Jets win, but take the points. – JON BURR

When these teams met in week 4, the Niners defense stymied the Boller-led Rams and scored three touchdowns en route to a 35-0 drubbing. It stands to reason, then, that they won’t be intimidated by the one-two tickle of Keith Null and Kenneth Darby. I’m assuming Steven Jackson won’t play. Given the punishment he’s received the last few weeks (years?), I wouldn’t begrudge him if he was sidelined by a bad dream the night before. – AUSTIN

Dear Vegas, who the shit do you think you are? First, the Bucs travel to the west coast two weeks ago and make Seattle look like ground zero for the world’s most violent pillowfight, what with all the Seahawk feathers strewn far and wide about the field. Then they travel to into New Orleans and invoke Christmas miracles against the Lord’s own appointed Saints, stunning the NFC’s most impressive team with a dominant run game and a miracle punt return by the now 2-time Bucs folk hero Michael Spurlock. Considering the Bucs/Falcons earlier contest which was decided by a very last second TD pass by the John Edwards-faced Chris Redman, it only seems logical that the Bucs would be favored to win at home against a very inconsistent Atlanta team. I think Josh Freeman ends the season by shredding the Falcons secondary one more time, on the way to a career day, and a convincing win. Call it a homer hunch, but I say the Bucs win big. – SKINNER

This game should be fairly interesting, as these two teams will most likely play again the very next week. I think the myriad strategies that could stem from such a scenario makes this a hard game to call. Plays or strategies could be withheld or used as smokescreens, players could be rested, the possibilities are endless. Ignoring such possibilities, the Cards are only as good as Kurt Warner, who has been shaky the past few weeks. If he doesn’t hit one of his hot streaks soon, expect an early trip home for the reigning NFC champs. Packers win outright. – JON BURR

The Broncos are motivated by the dim hopes of a playoff berth, while the Chiefs are motivated by the desire for their fifth straight rebuilding season to end. Jamaal Charles makes me hope that good things are on the horizon, but some guy on a horse once said to me, “Do not hope , it is forsaken in these lands.” “These Lands” being Kansas City. I don’t remember his name, though. – AUSTIN

The Raiders were a fun spoiler earlier in the season when ‘Polish Plumber’ Bruce Gradkowski was starting at QB. However, with the combo of starter Charlie Frye (and possible closer JaMarcus Russell), I am back to rooting against the Raiders. Also, I think the Ravens are destined to play the part of spoiler against a top-seeded AFC playoff team. Joe Flacco does ok, and Ray Rice goes bananas in a not-so-awesome football game. Ravens by a lot. – SKINNER

Billy Volek, Legedu Naanee, Mike Tolbert, and Jacob Hester > any lineup the inept Skins’ roll out. Chargers win and cover. – JON BURR

I’ve been relentlessly picking the Titans each week, and while my forecast playoff miracle has not taken shape, that does not affect my pick in this game. The Seahawks have become dreadful, mostly due to Matt Hasselbeck’s mind/throwing arm being recently possessed by the newly exorcised demon spirit of JAKE BUTLER. On the other side, the rejuvenated Vince Young will take a back seat and hand off at least 40 times to Chris Johnson, as he goes for 290+ yards and the all time rushing record. Titans will break even at .500 and feel pretty good about next year. The Seahawks will break into tears, break out their suitcases, and get ready for the inevitable housecleaning. You, you gun metal on gun metal on gun metal-clad sissies, are irrelevant. Titans by 14. – SKINNER

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